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Winner #7 of SSPW's March Madness

I remember when I was in my bathroom checking my breasts after having our first child and feeling two lumps. It wasn’t like soft mounds mine felt like gum balls that weren’t moving. I felt them feverishly and remember feeling the wave of panic come over me. I urged my husband to come and feel and I just remember saying to myself damn I have #cancer. I began to weep.

When the doctor calls you back your first thought is oh shit. There’s so many emotions that run through you when you get that call. You grapple with your mortality amongst other things and wonder if you will make it. It’s almost like a ringing began in my ear because I checked out and only remember writing down my next visit. I mumbled something to my husband and curled into a ball in total disbelief. I didn’t have a history. My doctor told me nursing reduced my chances. I just lost weight and was trying to become a MILF!!!! How dare life fu&k like this.

Eventually I got my bearings and my feet begin to steady a bit, but imagine just as your balance returns you find out your pregnant. Well that bag of bullshit was my story. I remember peeing on the stick at work at 5 in the morning. It turned blue in nanoseconds, it seemed. I uttered God you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Really Jesus?!?! Then immediately saying sorry and thank you, hesitantly.

The torture and turmoil of what to do on a daily basis was the most tumultuous time in my life. I begged for someone to tell me what to do. To tell me the decision I am making is the right decision. I just wanted my mommy to make it all okay, but this journey was mine and mine alone. Even with loved ones in your corner cancer has a way of getting really lonely.

I often cried and prayed for God to save and heal me. I just wanted more time. Along the way I saw others whom I am sure had to same prayers succumb and I wept for every single one of them. I still do to this day. My soul cries for them cause....just because. I thank God it wasn’t my ending, but I promise to tell my story for each of them and ensure that I help in whatever way I can.

I live in a grateful space. ~ Deshonjla


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